Using carrots and sticks to motivate children – does it work?
By The Parent Team
Motivation is fundamental to our outcomes. This psychological drive determines how hard we try and how long we try for.
Most parents worry about their child’s level of motivation. We often try to boost it with bribes – that’s the “if you do your homework now, then I will let you have 10 minutes of digital time”. When this doesn’t work, we usually fall to threats – that’s “if you don’t do your homework now, then you can’t go on the iPad later”.
These carrots and sticks are classic parenting power cards. They are tempting because they’re familiar, easy to access, and give us a (fleeting) sense of control.
But do they motivate kids?
Well, sort of. They often get kids into action, in a relatively happy mood with the tantalising prospect of a snack or extra time on the iPad, but in a pretty truculent mood with the stick of a sanction (no snack and an iPad ban) hanging over them.
Either way, the child is not thinking much about what they’re doing. They’re mostly thinking about the carrot or the stick. Their focus is on working out how to gain the carrot as quickly as possible or avoid the stick by whatever means possible. This takes up a lot of brain energy, and creates a bundle of brain wiring, and none of it is to do with the piece of work in front of them or how to keep going when you’d rather be doing something else.
A common fall-out of offering bribes is that our child starts to negotiate for a bigger carrot. This is a dilemma for parents - do we up the ante or hold firm? These situations can quickly become a battle of wills. The original focus – the homework or revision – is by the by.
Using carrots and sticks can lead to trouble further down the line. Some kids develop a reliance on getting or losing something to get themselves into action.
What can we do instead?
It’s a question of balance, and a decent dose of nuance.
Rewards can be an effective short-term training tool. When we use rewards smartly, the need for threats fades away.
So, what distinguishes a reward and a bribe? Three things...
First, the timing.
Bribes pop up the minute we sense our child is reluctant to get stuck in. We make bribes up on the hoof. Rewards are agreed well in advance. Rewards are what they are, and everyone knows it.
Secondly, the content.
Often bribes are based on real candy or digital candy but there are so many other things are kids enjoy doing and often don’t get the time to do. Why not make a list with your child of activities they love to use as rewards? A football kick-about, another game of Uno, a bubble bath, a lift to school, or choosing a favourite meal for the weekend?
Thirdly, presentation matters!
We want to link the reward (the immediate output) with the recent input (settling down, getting it done, doing it better etc). So, we make it really clear by using WHEN and THEN. That means it is “When you’ve done xxxx, then you have earned yyyy”.
We need to remember that the ultimate reward for every child is receiving positive attention because this fulfils their key need to feel secure.
So, here’s an interesting question…
How much positive feedback are you giving your child during their homework or revision sessions? How many negative comments do you tend to make?
You are not alone if you feel that you might be a little more towards the negative....
We care very much about our children’s academic studies and we’re eager to get the best out of each piece of work. And human brains are wired to spot mistakes. This is so we can keep ourselves safe and improve things. Once we’ve spotted a mistake, we leap into action to correct it as quickly as possible.
The problem is that having your mistakes pointed out to you is uncomfortable and not very motivating! So, as parents, in a homework situation, we need to be careful and smart about what we’re paying attention to.
When we switch to hunting for the positives and offering our child positive feedback, we create a genuine and powerful momentum.
That’s because receiving positive attention from us gives our child a lovely dose of dopamine. And guess what? Dopamine is the motivation hormone!
And there’s a double-whammy effect with dopamine. Kids get a boost of dopamine in the moment, which feels great. Their brain links the action with the feeling. As the next homework session approaches, their brain releases an early dose of dopamine in anticipation of getting another one during the session.
When we really get into the habit of offering regular positive feedback (at a higher ratio than our negative comments) when our kids are working, they (almost!) look forward to working.
There are other hormones involved in motivation which are worth a mention. Oxytocin and serotonin play their part too.
Kids instinctively understand that having fun (which releases oxytocin and serotonin) is linked to motivation. As parents, we’ve forgotten this over the years. We tend to see laughing and mucking about as a sign that our child is not taking things seriously, so we try to put a lid on it.
And that’s a shame. Laughing and playing are the best things for your child’s overall motivation. They counteract negative thoughts and feelings of anxiety; they boost neural connections and enhance our memory and ability to focus.
Homework and revision are important, and we make these sessions more motivating when we increase the positivity and bring in a little fun whenever we can. When we do this, our child is more able to hear any suggestions or ideas for improvement from us.
The Parent Team
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